Inner Churn

Feb 2013

Every passing day of a fast eroding life the conviction deepens - I was born for a motive nobler than writing software user manuals. Researching my hero Netaji's life? Writing fiction for children? Teaching street children? Learning exotic languages and reading texts in their original? Assisting Brother Brendan MacArthaigh in his NGO Serve? Or being content with a comfortable paycheck and steady appraisals? Do I have the guts to chuck it all on a whim? Maybe work for street stray dogs? Do I volunteer to an orphanage or an NGO? How long before I become a detestable sleek corporate-type? If I don’t halt the downward spiral, I never will. How many seas must the white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?

I am not letting off steam, and this day was particularly rewarding at work. Becoming “normal” sounds logical, but the anguish is long standing and consistent. Working for my family is important - but i keep on getting flashes that time passing me by, so much to do, so little have been done. I need to write creatively, and soon, or I will lose myself in the quagmire of dead habit. I am doing fine at work, no issues there, and have more friends in office to last me a lifetime, but yet I feel underutilized. I don’t know why, though. I feel I have much more to offer than I am doing now.

I am revving the engine before I hit full throttle. For several years of my life I have been a volunteer in several NGO-s, inspired by the Irish monk who was my headmaster at school... Brother Brendan. Lots of changed since then. I subsequently hitched myself unto the bandwagon of mainstream, is a good son in middle class Bengali terms. But I could never be as happy as I was at social work. As I said, revving the engine before I hit full throttle.

I sincerely desire my dear daughter to remember me as a dad who stood for an ideal, not one who slithered through life like most sly-corporate types. She trusts me , I now have to do something to deserve that trust. I can start by being good. Living for others is a good point to start. I learnt all of this at school. God bless the good Christian Brothers of Ireland.

Brother Brendan thanks for having me over. I am coming in today. I looked for you in the school grounds on 19th Jan, at the St. Josephs’ Old Boys reunion. I couldn't find you. You had guided me through the tumultuous times of my +2. You have been my anchor during teenage and twenties. Only after losing touch with you have i been confused again. I am coming back to school, Brother.

Family/work and self-realization, one has to balance both. I had long chat with a friend, Soumen Purkayastha, this morning and we're both keeping our jobs but branching out on our free time to do some socially useful productive work (SUPW). We are very similar in some ways, Soumen being from an Irish brothers school St. Edmunds as well, so SUPW runs in our veins. My daughter is from Loreto House, Middleton Row. She will develop this feeling I am sure. The feeling of not doing enough for the lower strata is a pervasive feeling and quite overwhelms you. If we were from La Marts we wouldn't have this problem, but schools made us the way we are. If Brother Brendan hadn't happened, I would be blissfully unaware of the churn inside.

Now, I am back to school at 43 years of age. Sitting at the feet of an Irishman more Indian than all of us put together. Two hours, talking about school days I left behind 25 years ago. We are discussing mid life crisis, reasons for one's unique existence. Also, the inner voice, deliverance from tests life throws at us, and being patient, having faith. Tonight, I will sleep in peace. I have gone back to the headwaters from whence the river started. I have gone back to Rev. Brother Brendan, my mentor, guru, teacher.

Seeking out the true meaning of life is a "thirst quencher" indeed. A meaningful life is elusive, and means different things to different people. I am still searching for what is a meaningful life for me. It all leads to being productive for society at large, it seems. At the moment, a friend and I will be teaching adults & children from an underprivileged class - strictly on the weekends. Brother Brendan asked me to write short stories. He says my restlessness is an untold story seeking expression.

I will not go quietly into the night. As Vivekananda sounds hid clarion call: "thou wert born as a human; leave a mark". As Rev. Brother Brendan said, "Deliverance from Calvary is what we set out to do in life." Every one of us has a different Golgotha. It is how we cope differentiates boys from the men. Bring it on, then! Rabindranath said, "byatha hoye dekha dibey, agun hoye jwolbey" pain will burn thee and purify.